Emotions

It was a year ago tonight I sat on the deck talking on the phone  with my mom. Dad was in the hospital, scheduled for another cardioversion in the morning. He was not feeling well at all. He was so nauseous and he hated that. He seemed, from what I was told, more tired, worn out and sick of being weak and tired. I had a bad feeling. I contemplated whether to go home to see him before he went in for the procedure at 9:30 in the morning. You know how you just get that feeling, feel that tug you just can’t ignore?

I’m grateful I listened to my gut. I left at 4:30 in the morning and got there in time to talk with him a tiny bit. And hold his barf bag a bit. He was so miserable. He looked so very old and fragile.

There are those moments in your life that you can remember like they were yesterday. And yet they are all a blur; a mix of emotion and memory and all the senses. When time stands still and you can’t catch your breath. And you think this can’t possibly be my real life.

And yet it is.

When the world just keeps going like the merry-go-round. Faster and Faster. You go through the motions and try to focus on the next step.

I am approaching the anniversary of the hardest weeks of my life. I’m beyond excited to bring Middle Son home this week after his first year of college. I feel like I deserve a do-over on the end of his senior year of high school. The same mix of emotions from a year ago.

If tonight is any indication, it’s going to be a very emotional few weeks. Prayers would be appreciated. For me and the rest of my family who love and miss Dad so very much.

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