My Heart is Hurting

Being a parent is brutal.

There are those days when I just feel like there is a huge weight on my chest making it hard to breathe. Today is one of those days. When any of my kids are hurting, I want so badly to make it stop. I know they must go thru these things. They must find their own way. Dig through all the muck and yuck and they will come out stronger {and dirtier} on the other side.

But damn it I don’t like to watch it.

I know that these are the experiences that mold and shape who they are as people; who they become as adults. But sometimes, I just want to kick someone’s butt! I want to jump in and make them understand what they are doing to my child. My child who is honest and true and good. My child who doesn’t deserve to be treated like crud. I want to shake them and make them understand.

And I can’t.

And I hate that.

I also want my boys to learn to stand up for themselves. To find their voice. To respect themselves enough to say, “I deserve better.” I want them to know that they must fight for what they believe in and for what they deserve. They have to learn that life isn’t fair and people are flawed. We all are. I want them to know that and to still trust people. To see people for who they are and accept them for all their inadequacies. I want them to be realists who can dream. To know life isn’t always fair, but to still expect the best from people.

And as a parent, this is one of those days when I second guess all the decisions I’ve made for a long time. Have I made the right choices or the easy choices? Could I have done better? Did I guide them down the best path? To make the right decisions. Even when “right” isn’t so clear.

The reality is, life doesn’t give many do-overs. I can’t go back and undo any of the decisions I’ve made. I did the best I could with what I knew at the time. But I still second guess. And my heart still hurts.

I know good will prevail.

I believe in my sons. I know they will find a way through the muck and yuck and come out a better, stronger person. I know they will find a way to see something good. To find the nugget.

Because they are resilient and insightful and honest and true and good.

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Filed under Family, Legacy, Parenting, Positive

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