Not Ready

It has been a week since my dad died.
The funeral is over, the flowers are dying, family (including me) have all gone home.
And now it is time to go back to work, to resume the daily routine. Time to get going, because life goes on.

Except I don’t want to.

I don’t want life without him to be normal. I don’t want to go to work and make dinner and pay bills like it’s just another week. It’s not just another week.
It’s the first week I’ve lived without my dad.
The rest of the world does keep moving. Life goes on all around me. And yet, I just want to make it all stop. I want the world to pause and be sad with me. To realize what a good man he was and what a hole he leaves in my life.
I always thought when the day came that one of my parents passed away, I would be able to stop. To pause. To just be. But the world doesn’t stop just because my life is turned upside down. Graduations still happen. Kids still move away from home. Bills still come in the mail. Finals still have to be taken.
It’s surreal actually.
To hear my dad passed away and have to go on about business. To have to keep putting one foot in front of the other, going through the motions trying not to cry a big ugly cry in front of people who can’t handle it. It’s too much.

I just want more time. And yet I know, life must go on. I know I am not the first person to lose a parent. I know others have been right where I am.

And I didn’t get it.

The outpouring of support from friends and family has been humbling. The kindness of people overwhelms me. I feel the immense love of friends and family. And still, I just want my dad.

So today, like my brothers, I will get dressed and put one foot in front of the other. I will go through this day. And I will get up and do the same tomorrow.
I will cry. I will laugh. I will be pissed off at how unfair it is. And I will go on.

One foot in front of the other.

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2 Comments

Filed under Family, Legacy, Uncategorized

2 responses to “Not Ready

  1. Pam B

    Judy, Once again, you state things so beautifully and fully. If I could, I would stop the world for you, for a moment, just so you could be. It’s not much, but my world seemed to stop for a moment when i heard your dad died. It stopped when I read your blog. And then life came back and I remembered that heaven goes at a different pace. In the blink of an eye, we’ll all be together again. May you have time to be. Pam

  2. Marlene Bredlow

    Judy, how beautiful you can express your self, I feel the same way even if it is not my Dad. He was a great person and will be missed. Now I feel the same about my sister. I wish the world would stop and just let me catch up.

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