Lessons I Learned from My Pa

I’ve called my dad Pa for years. I don’t remember when or why it started, but it fits. My brothers or mom might remember. He is either Pa or Dad. I have learned so much from him. He has been such a constant in my life. When I was 5 he was in a horrible accident which nearly took him from us. He spent years recovering and that single event had a profound impact on our family. I can’t imagine what my life would have been like without him.

Pa grew up on a farm and he and Mom farmed when they were first married. But that was before my time. I only remember my dad as a truck driver. He drove semi for 20 some years cross-country. He tried to get home about every other weekend so he missed a lot of events. Mom had her hands full with four kids and a full-time job, but they made it work. I moved away from home to go to college and other than a summer or two, haven’t lived in the same town as my parents for 27 years. But Pa continues to teach me. I thought I would share some of the lessons I have learned from my dad.

I’ve always had an aversion to the “best {fill in the blank} in the world”, the idea that anyone is perfect. I think it is in the imperfect that we learn some of life’s richest lessons. So here they are in the raw; the good and the not so good, but always a lesson!

1. Not everyone in a position of authority is there because they are an expert. I remember many stories of the DOT officers and the ridiculous things they would say to my dad while he was on the road. He would get frustrated by their lack of knowledge and understanding of the rules and expectations placed on truck drivers. (That is totally my “cleaned up” description of the situation! Dad had a much more colorful version, but the moral is the same.) He taught me not to follow blindly; not to trust without verifying. He taught me to think for myself and if there is a better way to do things, don’t be afraid to speak up.
2. Duct tape, angle iron and green treated lumber can fix nearly anything. The man really can do wonders with these three tools! It doesn’t always turn out exactly as he would like, but he finds a solution. Dad taught me that there is always a way. You can always come up with a work around, fix or creative solution. You just have to open your mind to the possibilities and not be afraid to fail. Learn from your failures and don’t make the same mistake twice.
3. Be generous. My dad is not afraid to loan anything he has to someone who needs it. I remember him loaning out cars, tools and especially his expertise. He has worked countless hours helping others with building projects, remodeling the church, and giving advice on how to tackle something. He built a trailer to pull behind his motorcycle, then modified it and loaned it to the church youth to take supplies to the Appalachian project they were working on. He is generous with all that he has and taught me it feels good to help someone out. And more importantly, it’s what we are supposed to do.
4. Work hard. It has only been in the last few years that I have seen my dad take a nap. He just didn’t do it. It was unheard of…maybe to a fault. This I’m sure comes from his parents and what they valued. Work. People’s worth was dependent upon their ability to work. It was a different time and I know they faced challenges that in my comfy little world I can’t even fathom. Their lives depended on their ability to work. But what I gained from Dad’s inability to rest is an appreciation for a hard days work. The feeling of knowing you did your best, gave it your all and can be proud of your effort.
5. How to string together and incredibly long chain of cuss words. I remember working on the truck with him in our driveway. I was really there just to hand him the tools he needed as he did his own repairs. I learned an entirely new language while helping with this. My Pa can string together the most colorful chorus of cuss words to reflect the real degree of his frustration, pain or anger. He’s toned it down quite a bit, especially when the grand kids started helping him. Maybe that’s where I get some of my creative writing ability:).
6. How to fix anything. I didn’t realize what a unique gift this is until I started buying cars, a house, appliances. He really knows how to fix it all. Or at least where to begin. I have always called him to describe the noise the car is making before I take it to the shop. He can give me enough direction that I know if the mechanic is trying to pull one over on me. He gets credit for my kids saying to me, “How do you know that?” with shock and surprise. I listened to my Pa, that’s how.
7. Acceptance. Not because my dad is incredibly accepting – he’s not. He’s pretty judgmental {I got that part too:)}. But because of that, I have learned to meet people where they are. To accept that I don’t always know where someone has been or what has brought them to this point in their life. I don’t know why they are the way they are or what they have survived. I can spend all my time and energy trying to make them be someone they are not, trying to change them to fit my mold. But it will never work. I have learned to meet them where they are and love them for who they are, not who I want them to be.
8. The art of story telling. My pa is a great storyteller. One of my favorite memories as a child is sitting on the hump on the floor in the back seat with my chin resting on my arms on the front seat listening to him tell stories of his travels while we drive the country roads to visit family. He kept me in suspense, he made me laugh. I felt like I had journeyed all over this country through the stories my dad told.
9. We all have different parents – even siblings. I am the youngest of four, and the only girl. I know my childhood was very different from my brothers’. I can see that even with my three boys who are only 4 1/2 years apart. The experiences we each had were seen through different lenses. I often had the luxury of seeing them through a rosier filter than my brothers. A little more protected, sheltered, forgiven. Some of the lessons I learned are probably pretty different from my brothers.
10. College is a gift to be valued and appreciated. Not because Pa told me this. Dad did not go to college, but I have often said, if he did he would have been an engineer. I remember as a child, he could do ANY math in his head…faster than I could do it with a calculator. He can design things in his mind and they work. He always understands how things go together. He didn’t have the opportunity to go to college. I did and I’m grateful. I’m grateful his grandson is going to get the engineering degree he would have gotten – cause he’s a lot like his grandpa.
11. Geography. I heard stories from Timbuktu, Michigan to Olathe, Kansas; Winnipeg Manitoba to Brownsville Texas. There were many random towns and highways discussed on those car rides and I was expected to know where they were. When Pa would call home from the road he would say the name of the city he was in and we were supposed to know what state that was. If I didn’t know he would say, “You better study your map.” or “Sounds like it’s time for some map study.” He had the ability to remember places and roads like no one I know. For years after he quit driving truck I could call him and say I’m on such and such road and not sure how to get to X. He would tell me not only the roads I needed to take, but what landmarks were at each intersection! He has a crazy ability to remember that kind of thing. He even knew where Blue Grass, Iowa is – a fact I will never live down!
12. Stick to your word. Your word is a precious resource and one of the few you have total control over. You can choose whether it has value or not. Choose to stick to your word, follow through on commitments, do what you say you will do and you will be rich in respect.

Happy Father’s Day Pa! Thank you for all the lessons you’ve taught me so far – I look forward to many more! I feel blessed to be your daughter and honored to call you my Dad.

He’s Coming Home!

It’s hard to believe, but today I will head back to Manhattan. This time I’m going to get Oldest Son and bring him back home. As of 1:30 today he will have completed his freshman year of college.

It. FLEW. By.

Completely.

I remember sitting at the dining room table last August writing a post and sobbing.  Just sobbing as I wrote. I couldn’t help myself. I knew it would all be ok, but I just wasn’t ready. And watching him walk away, actually pushing him away, that first day. Painful. The pain of that is still fresh. It seems so recent. And yet his first year is over.

I’ve learned a lot this year.

1. I can survive what seems like the end of the world. Ok, that’s a little dramatic, but I really didn’t know how I was going to manage. I was so sad and not ready to have our family life change. But we are adaptable creatures. We figured out how to be a family of four – for the school year anyway.
2. The way to Oldest Son’s heart is not through his stomach. {It might be through his wallet.} At the beginning of the year we would take home-made treats or chips and salsa to him. When we went back two weeks later, only a couple brownies had been eaten. {I think he might get that from his grandpa} We thought it was a fluke and sent lots of snacks for finals week. Then when we brought him home for our spring break vacation, he brought loads of snacks along. Apparently they feed him well in VZ dining hall.
3. Middle and Youngest Son get along much better when Oldest Son isn’t here. It might be the whole odd number thing. Or maybe, I’d like to believe, its Middle Son taking on that big brother role. Doing for his younger brother like Oldest Son did for him. Buying him a treat in the morning for the day they posted drumline tryout results – he said it would either be a consolation or celebration treat. I didn’t even think of doing that! They help each other with homework, go to movies together and talk about the books they read. It’s pretty awesome. Until they start pushing each others buttons again.
4. I don’t have to solve all his problems. I know this because he told me so. It was a tough transition for me. Each time he would call with a challenge, I wanted to jump into problem solver mode and fix it. But it’s harder to fix from a couple of hours away. When he was making plans to get home for his brother’s confirmation, it was messy. We went through so may different arrangements and one thing after another fell through. I told him this was stressing me out. He told me it shouldn’t cause it’s his problem to fix. Hmmm. True I guess. So I let go and low an behold he made it home. Lesson learned, kind of.

And now I’m excited to have him back home again. And a little anxious too! I remember how hard it was to come back home to Mom & Dad’s after I’d been on my own. They had different ideas about when I should sleep, how I should spend my days, when I should come home at night. I remember the feeling of not quite belonging. I longed to be “home” for the summer. But somehow it didn’t feel the same when I got there. It’s a weird limbo place to be. So I’m bracing myself for that, trying to keep my expectations in check. But I do have quite a Mason-can-do-that-when-he’s-home list going in my head. And his brothers have plans for him to take the dog out and feed her every day to make up for all the times he missed over the last nine months.

I guess we’ll be negotiating some ground rules and expectations on the drive back.

Please Stop!

The posts about the arrogant, narcissistic, plastic, CEO and his clothing company need to end.

I agree, the brand is crap and he appears to be an amoral person. However, in the last week he has gained more media exposure than anyone could buy. I can’t imagine the number of mentions that company has had on social media – priceless. (And I have to wonder if this whole thing isn’t the brainchild of a media firm.) Yes, most of us consider the press to be negative, but buzz is buzz. And there are people who aren’t turned off by an elitist brand. You remember them from high school. Those who lived to be seen with the right people in the right clothes. They don’t change when they grow up. And often they raise their kids to be just like them. Not judging or knocking them, just telling it like it is. This media storm has just solidified the brand.

I know there is a movement to “change the brand.” But, stop for a minute and think about the message behind that approach. So to change the image from the “beautiful people” lets find the opposite to wear his clothing. Yeah, lets find some really unattractive people! I know, let’s go to Skid Row and give them the clothes! That’ll show ‘em!

Really? So just because someone is down on their luck, desperate, we can use them to make our point? Like our dog we put a costume on at Halloween; despite the humiliation? Are we really OK with that? Do we want to say to an entire group of people, “Hey you’re the opposite of beautiful. Here’s a free shirt, wear it so we can make a point.”?

I’m not OK with that.

How about, we just stop talking about him?

Stop mentioning this company?

Stop buying the clothes.

How Did I Get Here?

It’s not a literal question. I do remember driving here. It’s more of a philosophical question.

I’m sitting in the lobby of Oldest Son’s dorm. Feeling totally comfortable, but thinking I may look out-of-place. Like a non-traditional student as they called them back in my day. I brought Youngest Son to the college for a one-day drumline camp. And of course that means it’s the perfect opportunity to spend some time with Oldest Son! I didn’t factor in the whole college schedule thing though. He doesn’t usually function until noon on Saturday. Which brings us to me sitting in the lobby of his dorm while he gets breakfast, showers and dresses.

As I look around I’m reminded of my own college experience. In some ways it feels so fresh. There are so many things I remember distinctly. The freedom and total control of your life. I’m sure I didn’t see it quite like that when I was in college. But looking back through the prism of parenting, full-time career, home ownership and the like – well those were definitely days of freedom and total control. I think the biggest contrast between my life then and now; no one else was counting on me for anything other than succeeding. I wasn’t responsible for anyone but myself. Not complaining, or aching to go back. I do remember the stress! The pressure and the anxiety of making the grade. Ugh, don’t miss that! College is also where I met Hubby. We met sophomore year and started dating that winter {that’s a whole other, very long story for another day}. He is a huge part of my college experience! We kind of grew up together there.

But as I look around the room and think about where I am, I have to wonder how I got here. How did I become the parent of a college student? The boys were just 5, 7 & 9 and now they are 15, 17 and 19. It’s surreal. Oldest Son is finishing his freshman year of college, Middle Son is about to be a SENIOR and my baby will be a high school sophomore. Life has changed so much. The days of being carefree were replaced with total responsibility for all of those three little people’s daily needs. Everything they needed had to come from us. It was exhausting and daunting. And then, slowly, they became more self-sufficient and counted on us less and less for their physical needs. So many years spent shaping their hearts and character. Never in my life have I done anything else so important and elusive. As a parent each day you are faced with training, guiding and directing them knowing it will be years before you know if you did things “right.” And when they make what I consider great choices or good moves, I still have to wonder if they are doing it for the right reasons; if they really understood all the ramifications. I think maybe it is just natural for parents to question themselves and wonder if they did enough of the right things.

And now, as they continue to grow, my parenting role will evolve again to one more like a guidance counselor or mentor. Offering advice, when asked, making suggestions, pointing out pros and cons. It is about giving them the chance to use the skills they have gained to try to shape their own future. Letting them make mistakes; the kind they can recover from while they still have a soft spot to land. A really challenging task for someone who likes to be in control. {Not that I’m like that or anything.}

We say it so often, but time really does fly. The changes come so quickly; new experiences piling on each other. As I sit here in the lobby of the dorm I have to wonder what the next phase will be like. How will Hubby and I shape our future as empty nesters? It takes my breath away to think about how quickly we will find out. I’m sure we will stumble our way though that as well.

What advice do you have for us as we prepare for the next step?

Giving in to Peer Pressure…or How I Decided to Take My Family to Disney

I’m old enough I should be immune. And in most respects I am. But not completely. So, when the opportunity finally arose we decided to take our kids to Disney. It seemed like a good idea at the time. And lucky me, I won’t be doing any Princess breakfasts or Character meet and greets! After all, my baby is 15! Maybe this timing isn’t so bad after all?

But as the vacation grows closer I get more and more anxious. Actually, annoyed might be a better word. You see, I’m thinking Disney is a racket! Yes, I said it. What every parent has thought at one time or another. I’m having a really hard time moving past the fact that I’m going to spend $500 to walk in the gate! For 1 day! Just one day for my family of 5. For 500 dollars! You know what else I could do for $500?

• put 4 new tires on the old mini van
• Pay 1/8 of a semester’s college tuition
• buy groceries to last 2 1/2 weeks
• buy a really nice new pair of shoes for every member of my family
• Replace a couple of windows in my house
• expand my wardrobe exponentially

I could go on, but you are getting bored and you get the idea. And that is just for 1 day! No one goes to Disney for just one day. That just wouldn’t be right.

So eventually, I may come to terms with that. But then they will want to eat while we are there. Cha-ching! $75 please, if you only want a lunch counter snack. Park? You want to park your car at Disney? Cha-ching! $25 please! You get the idea. And if you’ve been, you are painfully aware of how it all adds up.

As if that isn’t depressing enough, I can’t tell you how many people have warned me that going in March will mean the parks are all packed! Based on the warnings I’ve received, we will wait in line to get in the gate, wait for hours to ride the “best” rides, nearly starve to death waiting to pay an exorbitant price for lunch and need steel toed shoes for all the strollers that will roll obliviously over our feet. Paints quite the picture doesn’t it?

How could a parent not dream of providing this amazing experience for their dear offspring?

It’s all worth it though. Because everyone I talk to assures me that we will make memories that last a lifetime! (Do they realize they are just telling me what the brochure says? – Marketing genius Disney!) This may be one of our last vacations as a family so it is totally worth it! (Do they know something I don’t?)

I’m beside myself with anticipation and excitement! Or, I’m working on it at least. I have got to find my happy place soon! I refuse to spend this ridiculous amount of money and not enjoy absolutely every puking ride, every smashed toe, every hour spent waiting in a line! It will be awesome! I’m actually having a flashback to National Lampoon’s Vacation. I hope there is no moose out front to tell me the park’s closed. I might break into a Chevy Chase inspired rant about the fun we are going to have even if it kills us all!

So why are we going? Well, I’m pretty sure it was in the parenting handbook somewhere. I think we have to or they take away our parenting card. Right? Or did someone make that up?

So, to get into the parent-of-the-month club, I’m taking my kids to Disney. And I am sure we will make memories to last a lifetime just like we have on every family vacation so far. We will talk about it for years, good or bad. This trip really was my idea. (Is this what buyers remorse feels like?) If you have suggestions on how to survive this racket enhance this awesome family vacation, please share! I would be ever so grateful for the tips:).

P.S. I really do appreciate all the advice and “warnings” friends have given me. I’m hoping this has made me prepare for the worst so I’m pleasantly surprised when I get there:)!

P.P.S. Maybe the US Government should take over Disney! That would solve all the budget problems since that is apparently where the wealth of our country is being spent. Oops! Didn’t mean to go political – just a thought:).

Once Upon a Time

Once upon a time this girl had a blog….and she wrote pretty regularly. Sometimes she was really poignant and serious and sometimes she was kinda funny. She wrote a lot about her family and a little about creativity. She loved to write and blog posts seemed to come to her everywhere. She had a hard time capturing all the ideas as quickly as they came. There was always another post swirling in her head.

And then one day she realized it’s been weeks since she posted. {She thought it had been longer actually!} What could have happened to distract her from her writing she wondered. Hmmm….let’s see.

January sucked!

That pretty much sums it up.

It seems like January is always a tough month. We have lots of family birthdays and when the kids were little that meant parties. And of course it’s Pinewood Derby month. It was just always crazy. This year, it was a different kind of crazy. Like sad crazy. Two of my uncles passed away in January. And it kind of threw me for a loop. Their deaths brought up all kinds of things I would rather not think about. I traveled back home to my parents for both funerals just two weeks apart. That’s not right. And we sandwiched a soccer tournament 7 hours away the weekend in between. Throw in a kid with the flu and three weeks later another one home sick for a week. Some parent teacher conferences that went less than smashingly. It was just rough.

Now it’s the middle of February. Wow! Time to pull this year together, get intentional.

Time to put the craziness to bed and get back on track. Here’s to good news and positive attitudes!

Looking Out From Atop the Plateau

I took a break from “dieting” from Thanksgiving to Christmas. By that I mean I didn’t count calories and I didn’t sweat over having some holiday goodies. I just tried to be reasonable. And apparently that worked. Within a week after Christmas, I was back to my pre-Thanksgiving weight. Actually Thanksgiving day pre- dinner weight:). I’m proud of how I handled what could be a really challenging time of year. And I think it goes back to that 80/20 rule. For me, it’s about changing my mindset. That it is ok to not be perfect every day. And a little misstep doesn’t mean it’s time to throw in the towel. It is about making choices every day. Do I want the extra helping? Maybe I do, but if I decide to it will be because I thought it through and made a conscious choice. It will be intentional.

So I recovered from the holidays pretty quickly, but since then….ufda! I don’t seem to be able to get any traction. I’m doing what I did before, with no results.  I’ve actually added in some exercise now and then. Grrr… I know this happens. It will work again, it’s just frustrating waiting. I decided to track a few other things that I want to accomplish so the number on the scale isn’t my only motivation.

I made a colorful chart to track my progress. Because I like colorful charts:)! I’m trying to build a chain of  good habits. I have goals for weight, water, calories, activity minutes, reduced soda, servings of fruits and vegetables, and hours of sleep. I have progressive targets for each. Trying to step myself up a little at a time in each of those areas. It helps. The pounds still aren’t where I would like them, but I feel good about the other pieces. I’m drinking much more water and less soda. I’ve started doing some consistent minutes of activity and actually eating fruits and veggies. The sleeping part is tough. I can get really distracted at night and lose track of time. Suddenly it’s midnight and I get up before 6. I think getting a good night’s sleep will help my overall health too.

I have plateaued, but I’m still plugging away. I have an 8 week goal and I need the scale to move! I’m sure it will…all in good time:).